Enjoy Global Warming

I was ready to go out in my swim trunks with one of those cool adult beverages with a tiny umbrella in it, looking forward to what Al Gore had assured us was the coming global warming. Expecting tropical breezes, was I ever disappointed to find I had to use chemical de-icer and scrape the ice from my car. When I made it to the swimming hole (not too far from Al Gore's behemoth energy guzzling Nashville mansion), I was horrified to find it frozen over. So, where is all this rise in temperature with the continental US blanketed in snow and ice and Florida's valuable citrus and berry crops threatened? As for me, I am going to create as much of a carbon footprint as I possibly can to try and warm things up around here.